I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
