Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Say something about gay babies.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
