I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize