just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
