I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
