Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
