I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i need some magic done to my vagina
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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