In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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