I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
