After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
