when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Even my vagina gasped.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
