got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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