his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
