So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize