I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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