Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
