Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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