Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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