remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
