tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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