Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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