I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
