dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
