He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
