Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
it's like heaven, but drunker
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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