can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
