he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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