so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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