I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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