I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i will never coherently bang her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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