it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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