How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
