but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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