Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
