The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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