I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
