you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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