I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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