You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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