He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
