Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
