If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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