atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
