my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
