I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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