Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
