I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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