i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
