I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
