I just cut my nipple shaving
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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