if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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