my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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