Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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