guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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