they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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