I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How's work?
Spinning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize