yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
