I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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