Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
