As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
