last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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